Liziel Estacio

Wish List 2010

2010-10-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

In no specific order:

1. Locket
http://lochers.com/accessories4.html
http://lochers.com/accessories18.html
http://lochers.com/accessories23.html
http://lochers.com/accessories31.html

Yeah, I know you're thinking wtf... But I want it :)

2. Juicy Couture - http://www.juicycouture.com/shoponline/handbagsshoes/handbags/velourterry/prodV0BGJ
My favorite handbag is getting beat up and probably will need a replacement or back up some time.

3. Abercrombie and Fitch Gift Card - http://abercrombieandfitch.com/
If they even have a gift card (I don't know and I didn't check), this would be great!

4. Sephora Gift Card - http://www.sephora.com/
This is where I get my fragrance and all my make up from :)

5. I want to smell good!!!
Well, who doesn't? Here's some of my picks:
Fragrance Set - Eau Girl Scent Sampler
Escada Set - Escada Collectors Edition Coffret
Givency - Very Irrésistible Givenchy

6. Panasonic Lumix Camera
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=lumix+panasonic&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=17693699002676115350&ei=VB3FTM7jCo_6sAOMtY3lCg&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=9&ved=0CG4Q8wIwCA#

7. Olympus Tough (Waterproof, crush proof, freeze proof)
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&expIds=17259,17367,24472,24813,25907,26095,26562,26637,26836,26992,27095,27147,27178&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&q=olympus+stylus&cp=11&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=8662515437152348648&ei=3h3FTK8kg_a2A4zO4KYD&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=3&sqi=2&ved=0CFQQ8wIwAg#

8. Spa and/or Massage :)
God knows I need one...

9. A sweet, sweet hug :)

10. A box of Guylian's chocolate

11. Cool Shirts!
http://lochers.com/collection12.html
http://lochers.com/collection15.html

I Want You Here

2010-09-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Boyfriend,

I wish you were here in my room, in my bed, underneath the covers with the lights turned off...

Sincerely,

I want to show you my glow in the dark watch! :)

Bucket List

2010-08-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

In no specific order, here are the things I want to do before I kick the bucket...

1. Swim with wild dolphins.
Dolphins are one of the most amazing creatures on earth. I would be honored to see what it's like to be able to see them face to face and experience something beyond my world.

Tell me that doesn't look like a great experience :P

2. Learn to play the guitar well.
If only I knew how to play well, I think I'd be playing everyday. I can play nursery rhymes but it gets pretty tiring after a couple of decades.

3. Be fluent in another language.
I see it as an accomplishment. It would also be handy when visiting a country and be able to communicate with locals. It would also be awesome to brag about :)

4. Take a leap of faith ;)
I want to be able to love freely again and trust someone with my heart before I kick the bucket. Loving someone is one of the best things I've felt and it made me want to be better; as a person and in everything I do. I want a great, joyful, meaningful relationship and a life together with someone I love, something everybody wants but not everybody can have. And I believe I'm one of the people who can have it.

5. Have a joyful nature.
I love to be myself but I also want to be a better positive person with optimistic but realistic views. I want to be someone who always practice kindness no matter what the circumstance. I want to see the positive sides of every situation and always accept the truth with grace and the kind of joyfulness only real happiness that comes within can give.

6. I want to have another vacation in the Bahamas.
I love the Bahamas! I love the people and everything the islands have to offer. I wish I could buy a place there and come whenever I need to get away from it all. I'd call it my happy place. I wanna wake up one morning on the beautiful Bahamas where the sun shines, the people are happy, life is simple, and where life is good :)

7. Sky Diving!
Another one of those crazy experiences that I definitely want to do.

8. Travel around the world.
I want to see places, taste good food, experience another culture, learn about people, expand my horizon, and all that jazz.

9. Go to a Catholic confessional and make stuff up.

I'll confess the life I never lived. Then be forgiven for it, hopefully.. Should be fun :)

A Reminder To You

2010-08-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Me,

I hope you're doing well. I hope you're taking good care of yourself and sticking to your carefully planned goals. If I remember correctly, what you wanted wasn't all that complicated. It was pretty simple. All you wanted is to get your then shitty life together, fixed, organized, and well, you just wanted to be a normal brilliant girl (if there was such a thing, it would be you). You wanted to get away from the crap hole that you've been trapped in for years and you wanted to get far, far away from it. Because it was the only way you can be you, brilliant and everything you should be. You wanted to be happy and successful, surrounded by great people with great minds and great hearts. Those are the people who deserve your company. Quit being too nice and be more of a jerk in desperate circumstances. This is the point in time when you want to be safe from things that could distract you from achieving that. Weed out the negative and anything that can pull you down and avoid them at all cost.

I'm somewhat disappointed that you've somewhat lost track of time, plans, and who you should be. But you're only human and I understand completely. So I guess I would have to forgive you and give you another chance. After all, this is our first time to really live life. Dwelling on minor distractions that didn't really foil the plans isn't productive.

I guess it would be time to re-evaluate what the plans and goals are. What do you really want the future to be? Are you turning out to be the person you've always wanted to be?

It makes me feel unhappy sometimes. I just think I can do so much better. This isn't everything I wanted to be. You're supposed to be better than everyone and the best at what you do, at everything you do. So do it. Take this time to rest and wake up tomorrow with renewed clarity and strength. Keep the goals in mind, don't stop to smell the roses. Bring shears and cut them all to the ground and take as much as you want if you have to. It's okay, the bushes will grow back roses. That way, the deadlines are met and you're enjoying life at the same time.

The future is always the number one priority. No one can stop me from achieving greatness except for you. So quit standing in my way.

I hope that this letter will remind you what's important and to motivate you to keep trudging on, soldier. You're not average so don't act like you belong with the average. You're a winner and nothing else makes you happy than being a winner. Make it happen and don't leave it to chance.

Work Hard, Play Hard. Set the future and enjoy the present.

Yours Truly,
Liziel Estacio

Time Will Tell

2010-05-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

In 30 years, I want to be where the sun shines on my face and wake up everyday next to someone who I hold very close to my heart. I want to be where I can watch the sun set after a full day and wake up to watch the sun rise to start another day.

I want to be someone who always practice kindness, someone who always has a purpose, and someone who is always ready. In 30 years, I will be 50 years old. And I hope by that time, I would have grace and wisdom that only my life experiences and the people in my life can give me.

I want to live with a purpose everyday. To make someone happy, to learn, to give, to love, to share, to do. I'll work to have a purpose each day so when the time comes that I no longer serve a purpose, I'll be ready.

Today, I just want to feel that contentment, knowing that things will always be alright. Through good or bad, I just have to remember that I can always pick myself up. Even from the dust, I am someone who can make something out of the ashes. I've done it before. I'll always try to live my life to the fullest. I'm not afraid to go out and live. I'm not afraid to try and see what life has to offer. I'm different now and I know what life can give me.

I'm thankful for all the times that brought me down. They are truly humbling times in my life. I'll always remember the pains, the joys, and the people in the past. They gave me a different perspective and they've shaped me into who I am today. Thank you.

I'm happy. I want to be someone who people can come to, especially the people I love and care about. It's not always easy but sometimes there are things that need to be done. I can't be who I want to be if I run away.

I don't know what will change in 30 years. I just know I want to be someone who is kind with an open heart, understanding, and with a gentle touch.

I'll always be young at heart. I'll always laugh and I'll always love. I love the sun, the ocean, the air, the life all around me. But I can't forget I still need to build a life for myself. I want to share the life I build with others. I want to work hard to give and I'll fight hard to live. I'm fiercely devoted, stunningly sharp, and resourceful. I'm proud of myself.

Just remember to hold on and hold on tight. You're almost there...

Goodbye, past. I'm moving on without you but I'm taking the lessons you've taught me. I am somewhat sad to go on. It's been quite a ride. I've hold on as long as I can. There were times when it got rough and I got thrown off. I've loved passionately, as seems to be my mistake. Past love, my mother, my father, my aunt and cousin, among many others who I gave my heart to. But nevertheless, there are no regrets. I look at you now and see how young we were. I was so young and unsure of myself. But I still charged head on. It was great falling in love, even though it was just me who fell in every time. I fought to have your love but you never wanted to give it to me willingly. I'll never know what it's like to be loved by you. And I'm finally okay with that.

First Day at Clinicals 04.21.2010

2010-04-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

*The author of this blog claims nothing. This blog entry is not based on real events nor is it work of fiction. Maybe it's just a dream. Maybe it's not. But it could be.*

I wasn't exactly ecstatic about starting today, but I wasn't down about it either. I was curious and still optimistic, hoping that I might learn something. Some people say it's ghetto, horrible, and cramped. They may be right. Someone even told me there was a gun fight just months before and only a few blocks from here.

I got there half an hour early. It was pouring down as I parked at the back of the building. I saw a few of my teammates sitting in their cars, miserably waiting for what was to come. We weren't a particularly lively group that morning. It seemed like we were SOL and were given the worst clinical site. The building looked small and lonely. It was depressing to look at. I wondered what we'd find inside but quickly pushed the thought out of my head.

It was finally time to come out of our cars and assemble in the front lobby. It stopped raining as we all walked together through the front door. We quietly expressed our disappointment, a few of us dismissed the fact about what a sad and lonely place it appeared to be as if to reassure ourselves that it's going to be fine. It's just going to be 9 days of this, I thought to myself. The nervous chatter died down as our teacher shuffled through the door.

She sat down next to me and talked for a while. Her voice was soft and quiet. It was raining again, it was cold, and it was very early in the morning. I didn't bother to stifle a tired, bored yawn and my mind started to drift away. I wondered how this day would turn out and how nice it would be to be back in my bed at that moment.

She stood up and with a sugary sweet voice she said, "Follow me!"

I feel like I'm in the past, as if it was 50 years back when health care was crap and nursing facilities were scary. My teacher was an army nurse. She's ancient but her face is kind and her eyes are strangely knowing. I can't help being drawn to her but I'm afraid to get too close. Why does she look at me like that? Maybe I just need some sleep.

We followed her around, bumping into the staff and patients in wheelchairs and walkers or whatever devices they used to ambulate themselves. We were causing traffic as we walked in pairs down the bustling, narrow hallways, getting stared at and even glared at by most of the people we got in the way of. It was strange. It was like a scene in a movie. She took us on a tour of the facility and introduced us to some of the "important people". These "important people" looked menacing. I can't imagine talking to them for any reason. As we walked further down, my nose filled up with offensive odors both from the kitchen and from the rooms. The kitchen smelled like a dumpster. I choked down a gag and held my breath as we passed by. About fifteen feet from the kitchen, we reached the first room. The smell of urine and another distinct odor wafted from the rooms. It was overpowering. I took small breaths just enough to stop my head from spinning and plastered a smile on my face. The people who worked there look rugged and tough. They all wore the same thing: ugly green scrubs. Most of them are bulky, many had tattoos, piercings, and few bothered to smile. None of them bothered much with hair, if they had any - including the females. Most of the females had very, very short hair that looked unkempt.

Finally, the tour was over. We had nothing else to do so we stood around waiting for our instructor to figure out what to do with us. We were like a flock of dumb ducks in the middle of a busy intersection. A nursing assistant bustled over pushing an elderly man in a wheelchair. She immediately made eye contact with me and asked if I can take him to the dining room. "Sure, I can figure out where that is", I said. She gave me directions but I was too confident I'd find it just fine. How hard can it be in this tiny crowded place? The fake wooden floor was uneven and I was nervous of bumping into other people so I moved slow at first. Then I thought to myself that maybe I was boring the poor man, so I hustled up a bit.

We came in the dining room and it was empty. There were fresh flowers on one of the tables near the door and it changed my mood almost instantaneously. Oh, good God, that sweet smell... I wheeled him over by the sliding doors, facing him towards the backyard where he can see the the stray cats sleeping on a bench near the fountain. I slid one side open and the cold air blew gently in our faces.

"That nice cold air feels good, don't it?", he said. He reminded me of my grandparents. How long has it been since I last talked to them?

"I couldn't agree more, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No but you can get me out of here!" then he laughed and said, "Oh, I'm just kidding. I want to live with my daughter but I don't know how much trouble I'll be putting her in. It's hard to take care of somebody like me."

There was a tinge of sadness in his voice and I stood frozen in my place. My mind was racing as I try to remember what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not supposed to say. But he continued on.

"I miss my wife. She was a wonderful woman, the best one there is. I lost her two weeks ago."

My heart stopped. There was nothing I could say. I was shocked and unprepared.

"I loved her so much. She was amazing. My children and I miss her."

I bent down next to him and quietly stared out at the skies. He spoke again and told me about her as I listened; her career as a public nurse and how happy he was with her. They were married for 40 years and how now that she's gone he has no one to spend these days with any more. She was rushed to the hospital one day and never came back. I can feel my heart in my throat. He was in love with her for as long as they've been together and even after she's gone, his heart belongs to her. Where does he go from here? Their life together must have been fulfilling. They made each other happy and they had everything they needed. Life was good together. My eyes began to water. Then he turned to me and looked me in the eyes and smiled. I smiled back at him as I blinked the tears away.

"I forgot your name already", he said.

I laughed. He never asked me for my name.

I showed him my ID and he read "Liz".

"Elizabeth?"

"No, just Liz", I said.

Let's Not Do This

2010-03-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

Things ended for many reasons. Right before things ended, you said things to me that you don't even remember now. But that's who you are. Things are always just in the moment for you, they never last and your words are almost always without value after the moment is gone. One day, you want me. The next day, you don't. You think you could do better and now you think, maybe you can't. I'm glad things ended the way they did because I might have lived that life, succumbing to you, waiting for you to notice me.

It really hurts to be with you. I have a high tolerance for pain but pain is not what I want from a relationship. Whatever we had, is now over. We're not going back to when the good days were because that's when the bad days happened too. Someone else can make me happy now and someone else can make you happy now too. And right now, someone does make me happy.

I only interest you because I present a challenge that you haven't experienced and you're hurting me by trying to barge back into my life as an ex bf.

We have too much history between us and they're not easy to forget. Things just happened very recently and I think that you're feeling lonely and need some time to sit down and breathe.

I want to thank you for everything you've done. I've learned a lot from you and just being with you has taught me a lot about myself and what I need in a relationship.

I don't think we can fulfill each other's desires. I don't think we're compatible. I don't think we'll be truly happy. I don't think we'll fall in love. We've tried for years and years. Nothing is going to be different now.

I remember how you've made me felt one too many times, and it wasn't a good feeling. You were never 100% into me. You never really tried to give yourself to me. You were always distracted while I patiently wait for you to give me a little bit of your attention. I can't remember a time when we looked each other in the eyes and feel you there with me at the same place I was. I was happy and content. You weren't. Your mind was somewhere else. It took me down and I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

I don't want to say this but I've moved up and I don't want to go down a very familiar road that has wounded and robbed me of self worth and dignity. You can't give me back what you took from me a long time ago.

I hope you find someone you fall in love with because you were never in love with me. Not then, not now.

Don't do the same mistakes over and over again.

What's It Like

2010-02-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

Ah, interesting month this has become, February. If it weren't for pleasant surprises, I wouldn't know what to do with the fiasco it brought me. I have wonderful people to thank for making my life meaningful.

"Don't we look young and successful?", said the guy I used to date and oddly enough, get along with now. I smirked at him. He has no idea how right he is.

I'm happy on how well I carry out my everyday duties and live up to the expectations of people around me. The physical, mental, and emotional demands can certainly be challenging. I had days when it felt like it was never going to end. No sleep for nearly 48 hours and still rallying through the week. I feel like a warrior, slaying one task after another with skills and precision of practice and experience. I pump myself up every morning, all ready to go. It's a new day and another chance to better myself, learn something new, strengthen relationships, and do what I do best - just be happy and dependable.

There are times when I wonder where my day went. Things are going so fast; Days feel like minutes and months just hours long. And sleep? Nights only feel like seconds. I close my eyes and after what feels like mere seconds, my alarm rings. Do I miss sleep? When my body can no longer be pushed and it's well over its limits, yes. Would I rather miss sleep to do more of what I want to do? Yes. But do I need sleep? Unfortunately, yes. I'm on heavy pain killers for the massive headaches I deal with everyday. I can feel the pressure and pounding from inside my head. I sleep whenever I can, in class, mostly, as that is where I spend most of my time during the week. I wish my days had more hours in it.

Where do I get my motivation? It's always my motivation to be the best I can be. I believe in myself and I believe I can do well in anything if I'm dedicated enough. I'm always motivated to learn, there's no need to push me. My duties to my friends and family can sometimes feel like work but I'm always happy at the end of the day. I don't regret being there for the people I want to be there for. I want them to be a part of my life and them to be a part of mine.

What else? I want to surround myself with good people. I think I deserve that, at least. I want to find people who can make me a better person and also, people who would like to hear what I have to say.

An Unlikely Pair

2009-06-08T01:22:00.001-07:00

Watch CBS Videos Online

I love this. It made me laugh seeing just how happy those two are with each other. It made me reflect on my own life and my own relationships. I want someone like that in my life, my little stray dog pal. Someone who is with me in all levels of life; the bad times, the good times, through winter, through summer.

I pick the people I chose to stay friends with. I believe in my friends. I believe in their abilities. I believe that they have the capacity to love, to see, to experience, to laugh, to cry, to learn, to be happy, to be sad, to be strong, to listen, to talk, to care, to do.

In other words, I believe that my friends are great people who have the capacity to grow physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And I also believe that they are able and willing to use their abilities to better themselves and if needed, to better me.

This Is Easy

2009-02-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

I wish I had the resources and such to support the causes I believe in but I don't.. So here's a little something that's easy and best of all free to support a cause I like....

It's called Social Vibe. You pick a sponsor and a cause you would like to support and post it on your website and on your profiles. For every view and clicks, your sponsor will donate to your chosen charity or organization. Simple enough, right? It's the least I could do although I really wish I could do more..

Thanks for looking at my blog, I appreciate it...

Deja Vu

2008-03-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

It hurts when you hear something you weren't expecting to hear, doesn't it? I am still confused whether or not I should laugh or cry. I guess I'm so overwhelmed I'm doing both at the same time.

I've slipped through your fingers like sand and now you want me to try it again. You must really love the feeling of losing something you don't understand. You don't know when it started, you don't know how to keep it going, you don't know where it ends, and you don't know how to end it.

Calm, quiet, and lethal. Bad things happen to everyone. Whose turn is it?

Can you smile just to smile for me?

2007-01-05T03:00:00.000-08:00

What else is there to do when you've killed a part of yourself to keep something else alive, lost yourself along the way to get to an unknown place, pushed yourself above and over the limits to see the end of something you once had?

What do you do when you've already stood your ground and taken your chances?

What is there left to do when you've already made up your mind and packed your bags?

I've finally felt some warmth. Unfamiliar, dizzying warmth....

This doesn't feel like home. Many things are missing...

I'm at ease even though deep sadness knocks at my door.

वहत अ डे..

2005-10-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

So my day started off very well today...

Me and Devin got started with cleaning up the room... Well, actually, we did something together first. Like, you know... Eat...

Well, anyway, then I had to drop him off at his work. My sweet lover gave me $10 for gas because my gas gauge was waaay below empty....

So after dropping off mi amor, I went to the gas station close to the house by Ralph's. I just stepped out of my car when a guy came up to me and went, "Hey, do you want your car fixed?"

Well, no duh, Sherlock... My car looks like a piece of shat from all the accidents I've had this year. So I asked him what he has up his sleeve, nicely of course.

The guy goes, "I can fix it for $300. Everything. Including the front and the back. I can replace your bumper too".

So I said, "Okay. What do you plan to do?"

Instead of answering, he said, "Will you come up with the money if I fix it today?"

Then the rest of the conversation went like this...

"You can't fix it today. I have things to do."

"Do you have the $300 today?"

"No, I don't. I have to go to work in half an hour. I still have to change into my work clothes so I still have to go home."

"How about I follow you home and I fix it while you do whatever you have to do."

----Why oh why do I attract people like this.....

"No. I'll just call you before Saturday. I can't do it today. I can do it on Saturday."

"It will take me just an hour to fix it."

--Now, whoa there. I don't know about you guys but that just sounds f*cken ridiculous. Fix an entire car, everything, in an hour????? Hell, no.--

"No, I'm sorry I can't do it."

"Ok, I can fix it in half an hour. I can do it while you get ready for work."

"No, I can't do it. I still have to go to work in less than half an hour and my work is half an hour away. ((I was lying...)) And if I let you do it today and you want the money today, I would have to go to the bank. Then I would be late. I don't want to be late. Give me your number, I'll think about it and then if I call you, you can do it on Saturday."

"I can't do it on Saturday. This offer is only today, young lady. Here. I'll show you a free sample..."

He then walks towards his ((crappy ass mother effin)) car, opens his trunk, fumbles through the junk, and comes out with a crow bar. He told me to pop the hood open. So I did. Then the f*cker started pounding all over my damn car, like seriously pounding as if it was a damn hammer he was holding in his hand and my car was a god damn nail.

I was thinking, "Ok. This f*cker has got to be kidding my silly Asian ass..." So I tried to stop his dumbass before he totally wrecks my car. He's like, "No, no. Look, it's getting better! It's getting better! All I have to do is bend this back and you'll be all good."

Well, freaken-ay.... If he's ganna "fix" my car using a crow bar then I can f*cking do it myself....

So I was like, "Stop, I have to go now. I have things to do. I am not getting my car pounded by a crow bar for $300. I'm getting my car fairings (LoL) and my hood replaced. And I don't need you pounding on my car for $300."

And the creep goes, "Ok, fine, $200. I follow you home and we fix it there today and everyone will be happy."

--Seriously, am I just a creepo magnet? Why do these people keep following me?--

"No. I can't do it. I don't have any money right now except for this $10 I have in my hand which I'm about to spend on gas."

"If you get it replaced, you will be charged more and you'll have to have someone do it for you..."

"That's ok. I would like to see my money's worth other than getting it fixed using a wrench for $200."

And so the f*cker leaves and then I had a faint feeling that he just f*cked my car. He left me there trying to close my f*cken hood by myself. So here I am typing with greased fingers and nails... And I have a f*cken party this Saturday.... Anyway, I wasn't able to close the damn hood. So I went in to pay for the gas and asked the lady who was working there if anyone can help me close my hood. She said nobody else was there but her.

So I called Devin because I was f*cken upset.... While I was putting gas in the tank and talking to Devin at the same time, the f*cker came back and went, "Oh, I think your hood isn't closed."

"Damn right it isn't closed. It's because it won't close.... Do you know why?" [Dripping with sarcasm]

"Here. I'll fix it for you." (Yeah, right)

He then grabs his crow bar (again) and pounded on the hood and the lock... Then slams the hood. All that happened while effin Devin won't get the fuck off the phone with me so I can grab the crow bar and give the jerk a cracked skull. Finally, when I hung up on Devin (seriously hun, you need to learn when to shut up), I was able to look at the moron's work. I checked if the hood is okay. Too late to pound his face into my hood by then because the moron was already driving away. Well, the damn hood is entirely bent up now but atleast the f*cker locked it good. Now my problem is, would I ever be able to open the hood?